I’ve been through a lot lately, I’ve had a lot of stress and my hubby hasn’t been helping me very much at all. In fact he just adds to my stress because he doesn’t take a hint and notice exactly when I’m in a bad mood or depressed, he’s totally oblivious to my feelings. He just eats dinner and expects me to have sex with him afterwards, ughhh, is that all men every think about? And when I turn down sex he just drives off to his friend’s house for a game of cards, ughhh! Loser!!!! I hate men and unfortunately my hubby is a man, and men are just so stupid. What am I to do? I’ve thought about becoming a lesbian and divorcing my husband a few times, but I just don’t have the stomach to do that yet. So recently I went out on my own to rediscover what men have to offer me before I decide that I’m a lesbian: I’ve been dating behind my hubby’s back.
I met him at Applebee’s, his name was Brian, I met him on eHarmony. He couldn’t decide where to take me out to dinner so I just decided for him. I thought it was totally lame that he wasn’t decisive, that I had to pick for him. We agreed to meet at around 7 outside of the entrance. I talked my hubby into dropping me off at the restaurant at around 6:30pm, I told him I was meeting up with one of my best friends forever! When I got there, to my dismay Brian was already there, sitting on a bench in front of the entrance with flowers in his hands. Uhhh. He ran up to me and hugged me, which was super awkward since my hubby saw him, but luckily my hubby drove away without a clue. I also don’t like random hugs like that!
He gave me the flowers and then we walked into the restaurant together. Brian tried to open the door for me but the host beat him to it. He had an embarrassed looking on his face, but I politely thanked him for the attempt and we were quickly seated by the host. Before our waiter came to ask us what we wanted to drink, I was stuck there listening to Brian tell me his sob story about how he spent a long time on eHermony trying to find the right woman that matched his personality, and about how I was the only woman that matched after months upon months of searching. It was a lame story but I’ll give him extra points for thanking God. When he told me that he was a Christian and regularly attends church, Brian finally caught my attention and interest, but is was lost again when he told me he likes to play video games, ughhh, reminds me of my stupid hubby.
Then the waiter came up to ask us what we wanted to drink. His name was Juan: he was tall, dark, handsome, muscular, and yummy. He couldn’t speak much English, just enough to take our orders. He smiled at me and then I swear I saw him wink as he left. Luckily Brian didn’t notice that I winked back. Juan came back with our drinks. I ordered a few long island ice teas while Brian just got water. Juan asked us if we were ready to order our food. I was ready but Brian was still deciding, so I went first. I decided to get the lobster dinner, and as Juan took down my order I saw Brian give me a dirty/mean look. I knew he was unhappy with my choice since he’s the white knight type that planned to pay for my dinner, so I decided to order myself a second lobster dish just out of spite, with an expensive side of jumbo Alaskan shrimp. That’s how I test a man on a date, take note girls 😉
After Juan took my order, Brian was still unable to make a decision so Juan told him that the nacho platter was a great entree. Brian bitterly took Juan’s advice and went with the nacho platter while I just stared at Juan. Unlike Brian, Juan is a real man, not a pushover that can’t decide for himself. Every time Juan came to our table I got butterflies in my stomach… I’ve never felt that way for a man in a long time, or at least in several months!! Ok, I admit it, I get turned on pretty easily, but Juan was different. Something about him made me tingle all over. I like spicy latinos. While I was lusting over Juan, Brian kept trying told hold my hand and blather away about his stupid cubical job, boring! I didn’t listen to him, I was too busy fantasizing about Juan. Then he finally came back with out food. He served me first and wrapped a lobster bib around my neck, I took that as a sign that Juan was explicitly interested in me. I was swooning. Brian started to notice and looked a little jealous. Then Juan gave him his nacho platter (the one Juan picked for him, cause Brian can’t decide for himself). I got started right away on my food, is was soooo delicious, I JUST LOVE lobster! I ate both plates and the whole jump shrimp platter in minutes, whereas it took Brian forever to finish his nacho platter. I hate slow eaters. Brian asked me why I eat so fast and I gave him a mean look, asshole!!! Juan came back and asked us if we would like anything for dessert, I quickly jumped at the opportunity and ordered myself a double-fudge brownie ice-cream bowl; THANKS BRIAN! Juan came back and I got to work on dessert. I don’t understand why Brian had this horrible look of disgust on his face while I ate, has he never seen a girl eat dessert before? I started to realize that I was probably the first girl that Brian has ever been with on a date, period! LOSER WITH A CAPITAL L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After finishing dessert, I noticed from the corner of my eye that Juan was checking me out. And then I saw it: a second wink! I took that as my cue. I got up and told Brian I had to use the lady’s room. Brian didn’t have a clue what I was really going to do. I got up and walked across the restaurant to the bathroom and as I was about to pass Juan I gave him a wink. He grabbed my hand and spun me around. I felt those butterflies again, until, all of the sudden I farted 😦 A whiff of it hit Juan in the face and after sniffing it a few times he froze. I was about to panic, did I just ruin the moment? Then Juan smiled and took me by the hand to the men’s bathroom. We went into the stall together and he pulled down my pants, ughhh, why did I let him do that? I guess it’s fine since latino men are very aggressive and like to stick it in the butt. I just closed my eyes and imagined I was at the beach with Antonio Banderas. Then all of it was interrupted when I heard a man stomp into the bathroom, he opened the stall we were in. It was Brian! He caught me with Juan! Shit, I was ready to just scream rape and play dead. Brian looked so angry, he yelled at me and then threw down the flowers he had given me earlier. I actually started to feel really awful! What have I done? Just as brian was about to open the door to exit the bathroom, I grabbed him and pulled him over to the stall where Juan was waiting. See, I’m a peace keeper! I should have won a nobel peace prize! I bent over toward Brian and he pulled down his pants. I gave juan a blowjob while Brian gave me a cream pie, before I knew it they were both behind me. Ughhh, gross. What have I gotten myself into?
After a solid hour, my butt hurt. I was tired and just wanted to go home, but Juan and Brian decided to finish off by jizzing on my hair, assholes! At that point I wanted to run away and scream rape but they ran off before I could, all that was left at the scene of the crime were the flowers that Brian had brought me. They were there lying on the floor in front of the stall where I was taken advantage of… I hate it when a men tease me and then my fantasy gets ruined! Ughhh men suck!